**I am going to start a new installment on my blog called "Stephanie's Thoughts On...". You don't have to read it and you don't have to agree with me. That is ok. Feel free to comment, but only if you promise to be nice.**
When we first moved into our ward here in the AZ, a very wise man was speaking in Sacrament Meeting. He was directing his words to young parents, like myself. He said something that changed my life.
Before I tell you what it was, let me preface by saying that I am no parenting expert. When Mabel was a baby, I dreaded the day that she would require discipline. I felt so inadequate and so nervous about it. Fortunately, I have been extremely blessed with two very well behaved and obedient children. They came from heaven this way. I am only trying my best not to mess them up, because I think they are very nearly perfect. I used to use the Super Nanny method of discipline that involves a naughty spot and the child sitting on said spot for a certain amount of minutes. I tried to show a lot of love for my children while doing this, but something about it just felt wrong to me.
And then Brother Smith looked directly at me (at least it felt that way) and likened our relationship with the Savior to our childrens' relationship with us, their parents. When we sin, the Savior doesn't send us away. He envelopes us in His love and wants us to come to Him for comfort. He doesn't want us to feel lonely in the midst of our trangressions. He wants us to feel loved. So when we make the wrong choice, we need to turn to Him and know that He will always be there for us. Likewise, when our children do something wrong, instead of sending them to a corner, we need to bring them to us and love them. We need to hug them tight.
After thinking about this and implementing it in my family, I realized that this is what my very own parents did when they were raising their 6 children. They never sent us away. They loved us, even when we made the wrong choices. My dad would have "talks" with us. I usually left these talks with a great deal of guilt that made me never want to repeat the offense.
I have seen this work in my home. When my kids do something they know they shouldn't, all they want to do is hug. It helps them calm down almost immediately and then we can talk about what happened and how we can fix it. More than anything, I want my children to feel loved. I want them to know that I will always be there for them. They are young, only 2 and almost 5, so it's not like they make big mistakes. The choices they make now are not that important, but someday they will be. And someday those mistakes will be bigger, too. I want them to know that they can always come to me. I might not be happy with their choice, but I will hug them tight and love them no matter what.
I realize that parents are doing their best. All kids and families are different. This is what works for me and my family now. I don't know if it will still work when my children are older. What works for your's?
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Stephanie,
ReplyDeleteI was bored and browsing the net. This is the most beautiful post I have ever read. It has brought tears to my eyes. It has made me view discipline in a much pretty and happier light. Thank you!
this is so beautifully thoughtful, Stephanie - just like everything you do, as far as I've whitnessed. My Jayden is a handful and timeouts just aren't working for us, though we stubbornly keep implimenting them...I'm going to read this over again with Jay when he gets home and start it with Jayden today - it can't hurt, and perhaps it will help me feel better about myself as a mommy to try something more....Christlike.
ReplyDeletewow stephanie... you sound like a wonderful mother! I loved your post, and the ideas. at the moment, my kids are still a little too young for discipline. At 2, Gavin doesn't get into too much trouble. And even when he does, or I have tried to discipline (a timeout, etc.) he seems to young to understand what's going on. anyway... i just wanted to tell you that it sounds like you are doing a great job, but you alread know that!
ReplyDeletei'm excited to see what more you have to say in your new series! very well put, all you need is love. but sometimes, when someone is purposefully hurting someone else (this may happen when your kids get bigger or when they're with friends, but it may not), i find it hard to want to hug them at that moment. i think some kids require removal from the situation and a moment to reflect on their actions. and often, the victim needs the hugs first. but we're all about quiet talks after the punishment, or as part of the punishment.
ReplyDeletei bet you can't wait until you can say, as Dad did so many times to us, "tell your brother three things that you love about him," which, in my remembrance, always ended in giggles and hugs. :)
What a helpful post to all of us mothers trying to lead and teach by example. I hope to implement this with my children as I know it would make me feel better about myself as a mother and certainly couldn't hurt in trying to establish a healthy, loving, open relationship with my children! Thank you.
ReplyDeletei love this series idea - and that you prefaced it with a disclaimer about it being your opinion. shoulda done that on my own blog, which is a popular spot for debate these days, even when discussing fonts.
ReplyDeletehowever ... i've never been as sweet, kind or humble as you so it serves me right.
and you really did share a wonderful message with your thought. my parents were also big on lectures and love versus punishment. i hope to do the same. (or just call you and ask what i should do when the time comes!)
love you!
(p.s. i grew up in the same ward as ruth anne, i think!)
Elliott and I have been doing this lately. We realized that Ethan doesn't care about getting punished, and he would just laugh when he would get in trouble. So we have started trying to give him (and the other kids) hugs when we talk to them about their behavior. We also make them all give each other hugs and tell each other they love them.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I like to do is talk in my "General Conference" voice. When I incorporate the sappy, sweet voice the women use for their talks, it helps me to remember to not raise my voice when my children are frustrating me.
I only send them away to go pick a switch... Just kidding.
ReplyDeleteThis was a great post. I hope to remember what I've read the next time I have to discipline my kids. Thank you.
Stephanie, thank you so much for posting this. I have been struggling with discipling MYSELF in how I discipline my children. I struggle with it everyday. This is such a great idea. Most of the time I am reacting and it just doesn't work. I always think after I have yelled at the kids (again) that Christ wouldn't have yelled at them, and that I could have diffused the situation by just speaking kindly and trying to see things from their point of view, with more sympathy. Anyhoo, thanks again.
ReplyDeleteYour kids are so lucky to have you! I loved your post so much. My problem is CONSISTENCY. I'll go back & forth between this (or something close) and time-out. And also what do I do about the little things that don't really deserve punishment... like when Drew (1) repeatedly climbs on the table? When I tell him no and get him down he just smiles at me and does it again.
ReplyDeleteWow, this was such a great post! Thank you so much...
ReplyDeleteSteph yuou are great! You babies will be so loved and know that they are loved. Your Dad would do this with the 6 of you and it worked because I have wonderful, loving and caring grandchildren. Isn't discipline guidence and not punishment? You can certainly guide, teach and love all at the same time. You have the right idea!!!
ReplyDeleteLove you much
grammy
thanks! I'm not to that point with my baby yet, but will remember this post in the years to come. really.
ReplyDeleteThanks Stephanie! That was awesome.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I, too, am worried about discipline time, even though it's not too close. I think a perfect example of this in action is when Oliver drew on the kitchen cupboard, and then came over and gave you a hug.
ReplyDeleteI think I am just a big softy because when Jonah poops too much I just kiss him instead of disciplining.
ReplyDeleteGreat post. We use the "Love and Logic" method... always making consequences make sense. It goes along with the Savior's teachings as well... when we make a mistake there are consequences. As Leslie says, sometimes you have to remove them from a situation... but not necessarily send them off by themselves. I usually do send my children off by themselves to get control, then give them hugs and love and talk. It's funny, though. Whenever we have watched "Super Nanny" we are always saying, "Those kids just want attention! If their parents would just give them a couple of minutes of their time it would be so much better!"
ReplyDelete