Some Pointers

If you know someone who has lost their baby due to SIDS or any other cause of infant death, there are lots of things you can do to help them through the grieving process. Unfortunately, it is easy to feel uncomfortable and unsure of what to do or say. Here is a list that you might find helpful:

DO

• Do get in touch. Let your genuine concern and caring show.

• Do be available to listen.

• Do help with the other children, or whatever else seems needed at the time. Offer help with practical matters like house cleaning and meals.

• Do say you are sorry about what happened.

• Do allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling at the moment. Accept silence; if the family doesn't feel like talking, don't force conversation. Follow their lead.

• Do encourage them to be patient with themselves.
  

• Do allow them to talk about their baby.

• Do give special attention to the siblings of the baby.

• Do be patient with them. Coping with the death of their baby may take a long time. Stay in touch.

DON'T

• Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to the family.

• Don't avoid the family because you are uncomfortable.

• Don't say you know how they feel (unless you've lost a child yourself, you probably don't know how they feel).

• Don't probe for details about the baby's death. If the family offers information, listen with understanding.

• Don't tell them what they should feel or do. Don't impose your religious or spiritual views on them.

• Don't change the subject when they mention their baby.

• Don't point out that at least they have another child, or could have more children in the future.

• Don't blame anyone for the death. Don't make comments which suggest that the care at home, at the childcare provider's, in the emergency room, hospital or wherever was inadequate.

• Don't avoid mentioning the baby's name out of fear of reminding them of their pain.

• Don't say "you ought to be feeling better by now" or anything else which implies a judgment about their feelings, or sets time expectations or limits their healing process.